me 365 days of change


I am a dancer.

I am not the usual teenager.

I am not the one everyone knows.

I am not the loud person.

I am not extrovert.

I am not the one who is everyone’s friend.

I am not the first choice.

I am not the one who stands high and proud.

I am not the friend to make a party for.

I am not the one who asks or shows.

I am the one who is always there for others.

I am the one who is afraid to not being enough.

I am the one who reminds you that are important.

I am the girl who strives for perfection.

I am the human who feels at home only in his own body.

I am the one who gets frustrated when I am not perfect.

I am the one who cares and doesn’t show it.

I am the one who stays in the background to not be so loud.

Humans are so complex and overwhelming. I am.

I would describe myself like a huge and undefined mix of feeling emotions and experiences that is fighting to come together as an individual, artist and citizen of the world.  There is so much to say about every single human and is absolutely surprizing how everyone is so different from each other and at the same time so much the same. I can’t describe myself without trying to describe the environment that surrounds me because who I am is the result of I reacted the situation life gave me.

I am a person that would rather got hurt really hard than giving up, I would rather feel the pain of being different from everyone else and not knowing what I am than accepting what I am told without questioning and being what I am told to be.

I hate people who do not take position, because they are agreeing implicitly agreeing with the stronger part without taking the responsibility for it. Qualunquism is one of the thing I can dissociate from the most.

I also hate when people do not fully commit to something: if you want to do something do it at your fullest even if you know that is wrong. I am one of those persons that research a lot about everything, I spend countless amount of time researching about anything that could be a possibility in my future, I enjoy understating pro and cons of my actions before doing them. Usually I end up deciding that what I want to do in not a good choice but I do it anyway and I do it at my fullest because I rather do ti and learn from it than wondering how it would have bee.

Despite everything I am also really introvert and intricate, at the least the 75 percent of what I communicate with the rest of the world happens trough non-verbal communication, I love saying that my first language is body language. I don’t believe in myself, despite I am constantly pushing and pushing to challenge my limits and my believes I have a very low self exteme. Lastly I know is very ironic but I care about what other’s think about me.

I don’t believe in myself, that’s my greatest weakness. Willing to persuade a career in the art without the full support of my biological family not believing in myself is the reason why I am not completely sure to be able to reach my goals.

I spend about twenty hours a week in a dance studio with mirrors everywhere, every hour I push myself to the limit in order to get better and better, every single hour is an audition for possible future job opportunities, every single hour you compare you body with the others in the room. We are all pretty naked; leggings and a thank top are not something you hide in; insecurities, stress, bad days, dreams hopes and tears… they all come out pretty clearly when we dance.  Insecurities are naked in those situation; I am forced to face them and despite everything I honestly love doing it, you discover places you didn’t know about.

I am also a very spiritual person, somehow. I think that another big part of the reason why I am a human and a dancer is because both things require to be connecter with you inner soul. Athletes can perform with their body but despite being an athlete dancing requires artistry. Being a dancer means fully live in every part of your body. Therefore being present in the moment and way more important create the moment; create that connection between choreography bodies music souls and space that allowed to energy and emotion to be spreaded out.

As human I am a soul that lives in a body, but I am not a number, not a statistic, not something to buy. I am a human that is willing to share energy with other human beings that are ready to share and grow without pregiud. I honestly those moments when you meet another body another soul, and you touch them, you learn about them form the way they put their abandon themselves on you, from the way the pull your arm to be followed. You are communicating with another body and soul ignoring completely any other lable. In those moment you have complete freedom, looking at each other without any prejud aloud us to learn so much, and feels amazing. Is amazing looking someone in the eyes and knowing that I am not seen for my age my gender, the colour of my hair or what I am wearing but only for my soul.

We are responsible for the energy we bring when we walk in a room. Responsible of understanding a friend who doesn’t talk with us when she I sinking and everything she needs is you to be right next to her without doing anything, not even touching her.

I am responsible to remember that that kid that drives me crazy when I teach is bored because she is incredibly smart and her parent do not see it. I am responsible to understand that when someone impose me something that I know is wrong for me they are usually doing it because they think that is the best for me. I feel responsible to look at the people I see every day and make sure they are feeling good, I am responsible to watch who I live with because seeing them is definitely not enough.

So, who am I? When I think about my true self what comes in my mind?

I picture my face; The scar on my eyebrow, the dark circle under my eyes. The brown of my eyes that is really warm and sometimes almost Bordeaux. My nose is white, my cheek lightly blushed. I can see my lips red because I always bite them, I am not smiling but my lips are not relaxed, they are slightly tended trough the sides. My eyes alive, there is wisdom there; you can see the pimples all over my arms my breast and my legs, you can see the fire. I am wearing black leggings and a black short sleeve t-shirt, barefoot changing my body weight back and forth between the two legs, I at 3 counts away from the top.

Leave a Reply